Another note to mom

October 2008
Dear Mom,
Where did you go? How come you’re not here with me? Did you hear the news? For almost a month now I have known that I am pregnant. This week marks nine weeks. I feel a mixture of emotions. I am happy because I have always wanted children, I am excited, nervous that I won’t know what to do and nervous of what is to come. I am scared that I won’t be a good mom. I am scared that I am alone. I am angry. Very, very angry.. I am angry at the way life has worked out. Angry that you had to die before you got to be a grandma. Oh the fun you and I could have had with this pregnancy. Angry that I won’t have your help. Just angry that I don’t have you here with me. Also, Derek doesn’t want to face the responsibility of the baby. I know I will have friends and family but I want my mom.
I am keeping the baby. It is a part of me and it is a part of you. It feels weird being pregnant. Sometimes my stomach muscles are sore or my left side but that’s been the worse of it. But I am going to love every minute of it.
The other night Tabbie was meowing at your pictures. I’m sorry I asked you to leave. I just needed sleep. As comforting as it is to have you here with me at bedtime it is freaky! But I hope you continue to visit me. I love knaowing that you are here checking up on me and that you’ll never leave me. Please don’t ever stop visiting. As much as it makes Tabbie cry..it’s only because she misses you.
I still don’t understand why they took you. Now that I’m pregnant I understand life even less. But thanks to the upbringing and love that you gave me for 25 years I know that I will make a great mother. I know that you’re guidance will shine through and that even though you’re gone you’ll still find a way to help me. My baby will know all about his/her grandmother and how much she would of loved them. And I hope that my child and I will have a relationship as close as ours, I can only hope. I love you mom!!!