Thursday, August 6, 2009

mom of course

Dear Mom, June 10, 2009

Are you still there? Do you see what I made? On April 25, 2009 he was born and he reminds me so much of you. That’s what he’s a he! So far he still has your blue eyes and I pray everyday that he keeps them. I often wonder if he can see you, if he knows who you are. I wonder if you can see us. I thank God everyday for giving me a mom like you. Chase is going to be one amazing boy because his grandma taught his mom how to be a great mom. I pray everyday that I will be able to follow in your footsteps and be half the mom you were. I promise that Chase will know what a home made grocery store, library, and hair salon is. He’ll know Barbie’s and Lego’s, Hockey and Dance. He’ll know that at any hour of the day he came come to me with anything and we’ll sit together for hours on the kitchen floor drinking tea. He’ll know Dr Seus and Robert Munch and he’ll know that someday when he brings home a girl I’ll only grill her a little bit. He’ll get pyjamas on Christmas Eve and then we’ll go see the lights. He will know every day just how special he is and that I will love him no matter what. He will know all these things because I know them all because of you.

Love always, Alana

Alana Bender, July 17, 2009

Mom Memory

In Memory of Patricia Bender

A years gone by since we said goodnight,
Not a day goes by where I don’t feel your light.

The tears in the kitchen, the late night talks,
The calls home from College and the endless walks.

The cookies, the cakes, the caramel corn too.
I’m sorry I didn’t pay attention to you.

Your paintings and creations will continue to live on.
Yet I still can’t believe that you’re forever gone.

You were more than a mom, you were a friend and confidante.
There was nothing more that a daughter could want.

I miss you, I love you more than yesterday.
Let’s say goodnight and I’ll see you again someday.

Love always, alana feb 28 2009

Friday, November 7, 2008

Another note to mom

October 2008
Dear Mom,
Where did you go? How come you’re not here with me? Did you hear the news? For almost a month now I have known that I am pregnant. This week marks nine weeks. I feel a mixture of emotions. I am happy because I have always wanted children, I am excited, nervous that I won’t know what to do and nervous of what is to come. I am scared that I won’t be a good mom. I am scared that I am alone. I am angry. Very, very angry.. I am angry at the way life has worked out. Angry that you had to die before you got to be a grandma. Oh the fun you and I could have had with this pregnancy. Angry that I won’t have your help. Just angry that I don’t have you here with me. Also, Derek doesn’t want to face the responsibility of the baby. I know I will have friends and family but I want my mom.
I am keeping the baby. It is a part of me and it is a part of you. It feels weird being pregnant. Sometimes my stomach muscles are sore or my left side but that’s been the worse of it. But I am going to love every minute of it.
The other night Tabbie was meowing at your pictures. I’m sorry I asked you to leave. I just needed sleep. As comforting as it is to have you here with me at bedtime it is freaky! But I hope you continue to visit me. I love knaowing that you are here checking up on me and that you’ll never leave me. Please don’t ever stop visiting. As much as it makes Tabbie’s only because she misses you.
I still don’t understand why they took you. Now that I’m pregnant I understand life even less. But thanks to the upbringing and love that you gave me for 25 years I know that I will make a great mother. I know that you’re guidance will shine through and that even though you’re gone you’ll still find a way to help me. My baby will know all about his/her grandmother and how much she would of loved them. And I hope that my child and I will have a relationship as close as ours, I can only hope. I love you mom!!!

Wednesday, September 3, 2008


Dear Mom,

I don’t know how to explain to anyone how I feel. He still doesn’t want me the way that I want him. Why won’t he move in with me? What is so wrong with me that he just can’t commit to living together? What makes him keep dragging me on if he doesn’t want a future with me? What makes me keep staying with him knowing that he doesn’t want to live with me?

There’s another man that wants me. An ex boyfriend from highschool. Can you believe it?! The exes are still coming back for more!!! And for some reason I remember a memory in HS about us supposed to be together or have kids together or something. I just can’t remember exactly what it is. You would remember though, but of course I can’t ask you.

It’s so hard not having you to talk to about these things. Only you ever got me. Only you understood my mind and my heart without me having to explain myself. Nobody else can do that. I hope, no I pray that someday there’s a many who can get me the way that you do. Who just gets me for me. Who understands my mind and heart with no explanation needed. Or I atleast hope, that someday I find a person that can do it.

Aunty Irene passed away last night. Make sure you play catch up with her. Remember she was one person who never disowned you. Whenever I saw her (and I know it wasn’t often) after the divorce she still always made sure to ask about you and to make sure I’d tell you hello.

I have survived six months without you. I don’t know how, I never thought I would be able to do it but I DID IT! I have no idea how I’ll ever survive the milestones in life…ie wedding, child birth, without you. But I know that somehow you will be there with me every step of the way.

I still don’t understand why you had to go. I’m sure I never will. I still don’t get why I had to loose my mom and best friend all in one shot. Maybe someday it will become clear but for now I am still left angry. I don’t think you ever did anything to deserve what life gave you. I don’t’ think I ever did anything to deserve losing my mom when I was only 25. You always said God never gives us anything we can’t handle, well six months later I still go through all the emotions of losing you all over again. Six months later I still miss you every day.

I wish there was some way you could come to me and let me know that you’re ok. Let me know you’re not sad, not hurt and that you’re not mad at me anymore. Also, that I have done everything right in handling your affairs the last six months.

Somehow, just let me know that you’re ok. Please…somehow come to me and tell me it’s all ok. And that I’m still your little voice.

Love always,


Sunday, June 8, 2008


Dear Mom,

We're busy planning out your burial which is schedule for this Saturday. Uncle Mel and them can't make it..I feel guilty. I feel as though I should reschedule it for a date when everyone can be there, but taht's probably not possible. So, we will keep it for Saturday.

I keep thinking of what you would want in the ern with your ashes....a paintbrush, a letter, a picture...but nothing seems good enough. I want to put myself in there with you!!! I miss you soo much, it hurts so much!! Things are supposed to get easier but it doesn't! All I want to do is yell, scream and cry!!! You always knew how to make me feel better, where are you while I'm going through this nightmare...The thing I always told you would be the one thing to kill me!!! I am to young to have no mom......

I don't mean to make you feel guilty, it is not your fault. I just miss you so much!!! Why didn't I dream this event, I alwayd dream them!!

For now I'll go to bed, as my day begins at 530 am to drive Kyle to work everyday......

I love you mommy! And if you have anyway of telling me, please tell me what you want for Saturday...

love me

Monday, May 26, 2008

Dear Mom

Hi, mom. It's me again. Can you believe that it has been three months already?! It feels like three lifetimes to me.

Not a day goes by that I don't miss you like crazy!! I can't even watch a show about a girl getting married or pregnant without feeling a pain in my chest. A pain of jealousy and sadness and anger that you won't be there for those milestones in my life. IT'S NOT FAIR!

I'm not angry at you. It's not your fault, you had no choice but to go. I'm angry at God or whoever. What use could they have for someone who was only 50...? Someone who was my bestfriend and mother?! Someone who was there for everyone even if they weren't always there for her?! I'M JUST SO ANGRY AND SAD!! IT HURTS!!!

Enough tears have fallen from my eyes to fill a lake. And still they come, like there's no end to them. You would think they would stop after awhile. However, they don't. They just keep falling. Where's the rainbow at the end of the storm? When will any of this make sense?

I made Kyle and I wings and cheese sticks for supper tonight. I promise to take care fo the boys for you. I know i'm no mother to them but i promise you I will make sure that they are always ok!!! I will always always ensure that they are safe and secure.

Dad still checks on us regularly. And Dianne has been great too.
The rest of them...the ones who said they'd be around have long gone. I'm sure if I called they'd be there..but nobody calls to check on me anymore!!!

I am going to B.C. for 2 weeks in August. Corey is coming when I go. I'm scared I won't want to leave.. Scared it will be to good out there. Scared i wont want to come back to this nightmare of no you!!! B.C. definately won't be the same without you.....But you'll be there in my heart.

For now I'll go. I love you lots mommy!

I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living,
My mommy you'll be.

love me.... may 26, 2008

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Dear Mom 2

So, I had another dream in Sunday night. Only in this one you died. I was with a guy who i called derek but did not look like dere. and you drove by in a car with Neil's mom. Well the car went up over another car and flipped. While the car flipped you flew out of it and landed on your head. I ran from the house to you as fast as I could yelling, "MOMMY, MOMMY!" Over and over again i screamed as loud as I could. When I got to you, you were surronded by what apeared to me Angels dressed in blue suits. You (well an almost outer soul you) were talking to one of the ladies.. The lady told you that you had to tell me this yourself..... Then you smiled and looked at me.....

That's when I woke up... and 2 days later I am stil asking myself if this was a message from you, I message that you are trying to get to me but can't. Or is my mind just so confused and my heart in so much pain that i am hoping you come to me....hoping you let me know that you are o.k.

If only I knew.........