Mommy

Dear Mom,

I don’t know how to explain to anyone how I feel. He still doesn’t want me the way that I want him. Why won’t he move in with me? What is so wrong with me that he just can’t commit to living together? What makes him keep dragging me on if he doesn’t want a future with me? What makes me keep staying with him knowing that he doesn’t want to live with me?

There’s another man that wants me. An ex boyfriend from highschool. Can you believe it?! The exes are still coming back for more!!! And for some reason I remember a memory in HS about us supposed to be together or have kids together or something. I just can’t remember exactly what it is. You would remember though, but of course I can’t ask you.

It’s so hard not having you to talk to about these things. Only you ever got me. Only you understood my mind and my heart without me having to explain myself. Nobody else can do that. I hope, no I pray that someday there’s a many who can get me the way that you do. Who just gets me for me. Who understands my mind and heart with no explanation needed. Or I atleast hope, that someday I find a person that can do it.

Aunty Irene passed away last night. Make sure you play catch up with her. Remember she was one person who never disowned you. Whenever I saw her (and I know it wasn’t often) after the divorce she still always made sure to ask about you and to make sure I’d tell you hello.

I have survived six months without you. I don’t know how, I never thought I would be able to do it but I DID IT! I have no idea how I’ll ever survive the milestones in life…ie wedding, child birth, without you. But I know that somehow you will be there with me every step of the way.

I still don’t understand why you had to go. I’m sure I never will. I still don’t get why I had to loose my mom and best friend all in one shot. Maybe someday it will become clear but for now I am still left angry. I don’t think you ever did anything to deserve what life gave you. I don’t’ think I ever did anything to deserve losing my mom when I was only 25. You always said God never gives us anything we can’t handle, well six months later I still go through all the emotions of losing you all over again. Six months later I still miss you every day.

I wish there was some way you could come to me and let me know that you’re ok. Let me know you’re not sad, not hurt and that you’re not mad at me anymore. Also, that I have done everything right in handling your affairs the last six months.

Somehow, just let me know that you’re ok. Please…somehow come to me and tell me it’s all ok. And that I’m still your little voice.

Love always,

alana